Today ChrisKelsey.com is proud to wel­come two new con­trib­u­tors: from the mag­a­zine Lowlifes: The Mag­a­zine for Reg­is­tered Sex Offend­ers, its res­i­dent jazz crit­ics, the irre­press­ible con­trar­ian Loony, and his oppo­site in tem­pera­ment and taste, the gen­tle­manly, status-quo-loving Lick­spit­tle. In this first install­ment, The Dia­met­ric Duo give their pre­dictably dif­fer­ent takes on var­i­ous new releases. 

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First up is Eter­nal Inter­lude by the John Hol­len­beck Large Ensem­ble.

Loony: “Aaargh! You mean they still have big bands? Jesus, why? The loud horns and show-offy coun­ter­point make me want to talk like a pirate.”

Lick­spit­tle: “Ah, the ven­er­a­ble insti­tu­tion that is the big band! It is the jazz equiv­a­lent of the sym­phony orches­tra, and Mr. Hol­len­beck is one of its clever­est expo­nents. My per­sonal favorite on the album: his cun­ning inter­po­la­tion of Monk’s ‘Four In One’ within the orig­i­nal com­po­si­tion ‘For­eign One.’ As Mr. Zappa might have said, ‘Zoot Allures!’

Next, the epony­mously titled Car­ney­ball John­son, by a quar­tet led by multi-instrumentalist Ralph Carney.

Loony: “Don’t that guy know you’re sup­posed to blow through the bari sax, not suck? And if I wanna hear rock and roll gui­tar playin’, gimme Nigel Tufnel.”

Lick­spit­tle: “My dear Loony, you task me so! Of course, Mr. Car­ney is con­ver­sant with the rudi­ments of sax­o­phone tone pro­duc­tion! Indeed, he’s mas­tered a great deal more than that. His rock-inspired music is is roughly-hewn – pur­posely so – but it’s played with mar­velous spirit, con­sum­mate artistry, and a delight­ful sense of humor. All the stars in the sky for this one, boys!”

Next, Eight Frag­ments of Sum­mer, by pianist Lau­rent Coq, with a band that includes the drum­mer Damion Reid, bassist Joe Sanders, and tenor sax­o­phon­ist Jerome Sabbaugh.

Loony: “Eight Frag­ments of Sum­mer? I think I’ll call it Eight Pieces of Crap! Thanks, but I’ll take my free jazz straight.”

Lick­spit­tle: “If by say­ing ‘I’ll take my free jazz straight,’ you mean that you dis­dain Mr. Coq’s inge­nious domes­ti­ca­tion of the avant-garde’s typ­i­cally unruly nature – partly via the act of com­po­si­tion, partly by adopt­ing a mea­sured, har­mon­i­cally sophis­ti­cated approach to impro­vi­sa­tion – then I think you deprive your­self of a won­der­ful musi­cal expe­ri­ence, my addled friend! There is but a sin­gle word to ade­quately describe this music: Genius!”

Finally, 4A, by tenor sax­o­phon­ist James Moody, with a band that includes Kenny Bar­ron on piano, Todd Cool­man on bass, and Lewis Nash on drums.

Loony: “Ack! More ver­sions of ‘Stella by Starlight,’ ‘Bye Bye Black­bird,’ and ‘With­out a Song?’  No won­der the aver­age jazz lis­tener is older than the spit-up stains on Shirley Temple’s onesie.”

Lick­spit­tle: “My dear Loony, your irrev­er­ence is as amus­ing as it is mis­di­rected! Where oh where would jazz be with­out these essen­tial clas­sics from The Great Amer­i­can Song­book? And to hear them ren­dered with such inef­fa­ble grace and wit as the dis­tin­guished Mr. Moody imbues them …  Sheer perfection!

To be continued …

We hope you enjoyed our first edi­tion of Rate the Records With Loony and Lick­spit­tle! Until next time, stay jazzy, World Wide Web!

[Dis­claimer: Loony and Lick­spit­tle are not actual jazz crit­ics, nor do they exist.]